I AM EXHAUSTED.I have participated in the fucked up back n forth cha cha slide with the same heart that no longer holds me as its first priority or even as an option. I've been playing fetch with a brick wall...... Confused? OKay let's put it this way I am in love with someone who is in love with themselves which feels more like talking to myself in a black mirror...there is no response or equal reflection of in put, love, or effort. My head began to throb, my heart sank into its usual spot which is in my bladder ( mind u its been familair with that spot for the past year n a half), and my sotmach ached from the stress of knowing that the arguement that I had been having since last October was finally coming to an end. The curtains began to close on the All mY Children drama that we both headlined, co produced, and wrote, and now the reality of me ignoring my self worth, esteem, and needs has finally hit me a day later. Yes folks this piece is a relationship piece but more a reality piece to me. I wrote this for anyone who struggles with loving someone...........your not alone.............. My advice is chose to end the battle while you still are able to stand. If your gut is feeling like you've lost the battle of your opponents heart then your probably right. Give up the breath to breath resisatation, throw away the heart monitors, and revival plots and collect the pieces of who you are. As the last arguements of all agruements came to an end I realized EVERYONE has fights and most couples from the ages of 16-30 have arguements that go a little bit like this....
It's like clock work every week you fight.
Mind you this is the same dude u use to text "i LoVE yOu" at all times of the night.
You usually have deja vu cus u swear u've seen this scene before.
Lovin him went from bein painless to leaven u bruised n sore.
You text "i LOVE you" and get an "i LUV u 2"
You say "i miss u" and get back " were are you?"
You use to get " i love you" just because on wednesday nights.
Now your cell phone bill is full of arguments and fights.
He calls and hangs up.
You text sumthin mean and corrupt.
Dial tones follow drawn out
" I hate you's"which really means that you love him but u can't figure it out so instead you find worthless shit to bitch about.
After one call back he finally picks up and you scream about sum chick from the past.
Hopen that you bein on the fone means him n her didn't last.
Suddenly your suffocated by a lump in your throat cus the thought of him kissen another girl makes you wana choke.
Usually you'd surcome to the tears but today you easily scream out your fears.
You chose to say sumthin about you bein better than sHe and in return he mentions sumthin about a random "he"
Knowen damn well you've never left his side but the thoughtof him bein the only one doin dirt hurts his pride.
So you ask "why would i give away something that i consider still yours"and the far fetched comment makes you begin to slam doors.
The fone seems to get hot but damn..is that just your face?
All you can think about is the possiblity of given up this race.
Spouts of silence follow idle coughs and random comments to anyone who walks thru the door.
Suddenly his Mr. Attraction of the House..... which pisses you off even more.
Hello, Hello, you could possibly loose this battle so you begin to remind him how far you've come and how everyone said by now you'd be done.
You admit that sumtimes your irrational, crazy, and irrate but say forget all that the topic of "us" is now a debate.
Bein that his sick of the accusations he begins to grow angry and halflistens to every other word you say.
But instead of fixen the situation he apologizes "for you feelen this way".
He threatens to hangup reminden you that he cares but his always been bad with the whole emotions thing and adds that thisargument is the reason he avoids the whole "realtionship thing".
You beg for his atttention and feedback and suddenly he yawns n mentions sumthin about practice and hitten the sack.
Tears of anger hit a burning cheeck that he use to kiss.
You reach to wipe them away and you miss.
As the woman of plenty words you choose to bow out and to press end but not before you use every cuss word you kno and threaten to let him go.
You throw the fone under your pillow and begin textingur friend the words.."This is it! His no longer mine."
Knowin damn well this isn't the last time.
Drowning in anger but yet bein ignored by the faded object of your affection.
You turn off CNN, who gives a fuck about the election!
The same name that has evolved from My bAyBee, mY hEaRt, to"don"t answer", and "don't give in" now just reads...him.
The name that once gave you butterflies now makesyou feel doubt within.
You've ran up your minutes, exhausted all your text, so you log onto Firefox and just then you see "him" in the inbox.
Just wen you thought hangen up meant you won.
You've realized the real arguement has barely just begun.
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