.......iTs a pRoCess...08.25.2008...MTL........

i am struggling.today i struggled. if ur looken for sumthing uplifting then im sorry. lol sum days are better than others but yet n still i always smile :). the root of my blues today comes from me coming to the realization that i must say this sentence without hesitation: i lost the love of my life July 25,2008 and i miss him. have u ever had sumone in your life that u assume will always be there? it is sad to say but i treated him as i treat my brown nike dunks set up high in my closet. i admire their good looks, take them down wen i need comfort and mobility, show them off to on lookers, walk tight curbs and high water situations in them, and then put them away until i feel tempted to show my knowledge of diverse style. he was my dunk. my classic edition. my collectable. i assumed he'd always be there and now...his not.i skipped the pretty font and colors because this situation to me is pretty black n white.







I laugh at his pics now like "My how my taste in men has grown" LOL his look, his swag, his heart, his creativity (that oddly matched mine),his walk, his laugh, his voice, the way he misspelled words in his text messages, his southern accent.... all one of a kind. no one has ever out done him even as he still walked the earth. its funny how u try to hold on to every memory and every picture, shirt, hat, and keep sake in order to keep that person fresh in ur brain.


I want one more day, one more hour, hell i"d take one more minute to apologize, sympathize, catch up , kiss, and kill all the ill feelings we had from stupid people and stupid situations. i texted the mother of his child today his baby boy was on my brain heavy....






... i texted in hopes to find sumone who felt as i do. i kno her hurt is deeper but the truth is we shared him and now neither of us have anything left to share. its funny how tragedy will bring two people from two worlds from two totally different regions together. we couldnt be more different but now we've bceome just the same............. in a way she doesnt kno it but i feel she's the lucky one. she got to spend his last days with him and i...well i guess i had the better days but id give my left arm to be there on the last day i don't kno y i feel like i missed out on something but i do.




i believe i clung on to other unhealthy relationships and situations for fear that if i didn't keep that negative person around i may lose them also and find myself having the same regrets that i have with Mario. i am learning to accept the fact that the world has lost a good man and i have lost part of my heart.
i can not hold on to bad situations out of fear of regret. i ask myself should i have walked down that aisle in may and moved into that house in the hills of Cuthbert, Georgia wen i had the chance? then maybe i wouldn't feel like i do now.

i am in the process of rediscovering LOVE and i feel restricted. how do i learn to let love wen i still deny the fact that his 229 number is disconnected? LOL i laugh at myself a lot these days. life became complicated wen he left and i believe thats wen i began to laugh harder. i laugh to cover up the fact that hearts are broke, people are left behind, and sum situations remain unresolved.

i got his belongings from his family in the mail the other day. and ur rite...i lost it. tears over came my face and the smell of his hair in his hat made my stomach turn. suddenly memories of his laugh, his warm lips, and the way he use to sing my name in the drivers seat of his white crown vick over came my self control. why do i do this to myself? better yet why tell this story? it is because i kno i am not the only one to feel the way i do. i kno there is sumone sumwhere who has lost a part of their heart and struggles with it everyday. i have two words for you as you r reading this ....let go. They are gone, we are here, it is the past, and we must live for the present. Prayer is powerful and my God picks me up out of bed everyday and doesnt allow me to sit in this grief state of mind like i use to. Biblicial? yes. Tru? very.

i think a lot of people around me like to think that if they ignore that i am struggling then maybe i"ll magically over come with time. to me that seems like a fucked up remedy to give to sumone who can't swallow the pill of death. thats like shoving tons of candy n food down a diabetics throat and hoping they can run a mile the next day.ignoring an issue doesn't make it go away. but really i am over the stage of needing a crowd to over see me going thru an issue. i've been thru so much thru out my life i should be able to handle this....rite? There are a lot of people who have been unable to help me thru my situation for fear that they aren't going to be able to say the rite words or they may say the wrong ones but the realization of that is the following: when ur left with the absence of a love ones words sumtimes any words will do.