..{dRoWnInG}...

Theres no feeling like drowning .

The panic u feel is unparallel

Suddenly u feel like your in hell

U gasp for air but wen ur arms go up no ones there

Seems like your legs cant move fast enuf

and the smooth waters become ruff

idle waves now tackle your lungs and your body

and ur mind goes to places that are unexpected

Seems like all the simple things are now neglected

Theres no feeling like drowning alone and ur feet never hitting the ground

Your ears become deaf and u cant hear a sound

Voices become faint and u become a catholic suddenly looking for a saint

Once surrounded by a crowd your body jerks for a persisence thats no longer there

and now it seems like dying from drowning is so unfair

Screams to the one who cant seem to understand

that even if others throw in life savers you really would prefer there hand

You wonder why they cant hear you thru the splashes and screams?

they ignore your advances at least thats how it seems

You mind goes to him even more as you panic

Your heart begins to go frantic

Why cant he comprehend hand gestures, crys, or looks of terror when he sees them?

You begin to think he ignores it all and instead he wishes u would just swim

tired of waiting your lungs give in and u begin to sink

Who knu drowning would make it so hard to think?

Theres nothing like bein short of breath and watching people walk by

Your tears blend in with the water so they no longer see you cry

A pool full of people seems so empty and has you in over your head

Your body says fight but you sink instead

Heavy to the touch drowning bodies tend to get cold

Once made of hearts of gold

Drowning in the dark can be so enlighting

But grabing for no one can be equally frighting

..i PLaY GaMeS....

I play hop scotch with hearts of men.

Trying to hurt them before the hurt can begin.

i play dice with life in alleys that are all mine.

holden my breath to roll a six or a nine.

i play hide n seek with emotions

hoping they"ll never find me.

in the end they creep up behind me.

i play pick-a-boo with words that explain complicated things

dizzy from the flowers that confusion brings.

dressed in success they will never tell that i have no idea what i desire

i play balance tricks on lifes thin wire.

i run faster than the rest.

emerge from each game with my heart on my chest.

only had one player steal victory from me

he broke the rules and it has was hard to break free.

wat kind of game was that?

he always won.

i quite that game a long time ago..it stopped being fun.

now i like to play in rain drops of hope but

often get to wet from disappointment.

i think these games are hell sent.

seems u can bend the rules if u think hard enuf

but no one said the games of life wouldn't be rough.

the taste of victory must be bitter to the tongue

but at least u kno u"ve won.

im not sure if i wana play anymore i think ive danced and sang to every beat

sumtimes i cant even feel my feet.

i spin in circles trying to find a stopping point and an arm to grab on to.

lost a play mate along the way rest in peace still cant believe its tru.

sumtimes i play in his wings and peek out wen he says its safe now.

never knu how to love glad he taught me how.

nobody said the games of life wouldn't be rough

seems u can bend the rules if u think hard enuf.

.....LiFe's a CiRcUs wAts Ur RolE?.....

"wE faLl dOwN bUt wE gEt uP..."

Donny MCcLurKIn

Well folks its that time again ...finals. I apologize for the brief hiatus but the holidays n skool have monopolized my energy! So...wats nu? lets see... there is alot goin on in world affairs but most importantly did u see the in documentary on brittney spears? QUALITY television and not just because im a brittney fan low key. It actually made me feel like she had a reason for her "insanity". Dont believe me? well watch the trailer for ur self....



there's something about seeing sumones thoughts uncensored that brings a more humanistic quality to their actions and personality. anyway i found it damn entertaining and if u get the chance watch it and absorb her issues for an hour i promise u"ll feel betta about all thats wrong with you! lol

i think wat made me relate to ms.spears so much is the fact that shes under so much pressure to be wat other aorund her want her to be. there is no room for mistakes, off days, or mess ups and wen she finally got to her breaking point she rebeled and said i will be everything u dont want me to be. her babies were unplanned, her love life a wreck, her career in a modest retreat, her body out of shape, her family was estranged from her, and her performance at the VMA made us all wanna reach into the tv and give her a hug. She is the mirror to everyones point of failure she just ahppeend to be wathced by 100's or cameras and 15,000 televisions. We all break down and im not sure i can say that ive viewed my lowest point in life yet...

which scares me.

anyway now that we've realized my break down has yet to come im leavin u wit the talk of every salon, dinner, and facebook chat....thats RITE ... THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA has finally came to an end and u betta that shit was addicting! i was online watchen episodes getting my fix! if u missed the entire show and the exploatation of my little ole ATL here's a little of wat u missed....

....NEW ISH!!!! BY T-PAIN Feat. T.I. n AkON and JoHn LeGENd Is BAKKK yay!.... You"ll LikE IT!

...shut and be pretty....

Ive been inspired. theres a website <http://www.ringsurf.com/ring/idabwells/> full of links to blogs of minority women who speak REAL shit. after reading the blog by "angry black women" i realized im on a role with my writing lately and became inspired. Im not sure why ive been eating, drinking, and sleeping my words lately but hell since im on a roll why stop now. I woke up today and looked in the mirror fresh out the shower i realized ...DAMN THIS CHICK I STARE AT EVERYDAY DOESNT LOOK HALF BAD. She is gorgeous inside and out, pretty but humble, outspoken but polite, dimples for days, silly in her ways, she smiles even thou there's so much she could be upset about, her good days out way her bad, sure her arms, legs, and features are long but thats what makes her the beautiful giraffe in a zoo full of normal ass mammals.

after taking myself all in i realized that i may pick part my flaws but the world see's me as picture perfect. But is it fair to want me to just be the pretty single black female? I become frustrated at the number of men who i meet that love for me to be pretty but hate for me to be smart. I have been forced to tell myself to face it: tHe WorLd WanTs YoU to Be pREttY and DumB.

I guess i am tired of being everything that sumone else ( including the world and men) want me to be. Can i wear wat i want, how i want, move as i feel, and speak how i want without being constantly altered?I have met sum men who say they are attracted to intelligence but yet never have an intelligent conversation with me. Or they may say they love a pretty girl with brains but then become salty when my GPA is higher than there's. Or they may rave about how they will date random dumb girls but WIFEY will she will have to be the total package. Funny to me that thought process seems ass backwards. Why date sumone who you kno is unintelligent just because you know you will disguard of them in a few weeks? Thats like wearing the flyest pair of dunks and returning them a month later. They are worn yes but still good but now u have taken the value out of those shoes and u expect sumone else to wear them after you. I duno about you but i buy for the long run. Anyway i wrote this for the world, for men. , shit for women stop wanting me to be pretty and stupid.

Shut Up and Be Pretty

I must be like that Barbie bitch.

Expected to smile, blink, sneeze, and itch.

No major moves or loud movements because

thats just not cute.

Wear those tight pencil skirts, heels, and a nice boot.

Wats that you say u'd rather rock nike's, flats, than these?

Be a lady ...pretty bitch please.

Enuf young lady be quiet like every situation is a formal affair.

Smile and wave when u walk in and they all stare.

Walk close to me when your around my boys and

wen they attempt to squeeze that ass don't make a noise.

Lay on your pretty brown back wit beauty marks and all

Bite your lip as i watch your body fall.

Be sexy at night and pretty in the daylight.

Keep that head done, face made up, and that body must be right.

We hate to see "smart" pretty girls that can't keep it tight.

Southern bell don't come in here raisen hell

Be thick like bisquick but dont u dare get to big

Cook, clean, and over achieve

And wen im not unsure its up to YOU to believe.

Add to my list of pretty girls who i have chosen to ignore now

When im unhappy reverse my emotions its up to you to figure out how.

This world was made up on visions of minorites on thier knees

therefore you never forget to say ur yes sir's, no ma'am's, thank you's, and please

Check you out so well spoken and siddity.

Those black girls are so opinionated wat a pitty

why cant they shut up and just be pretty.

Your so lite skin, almost thin, and so damn tall

But that brain of yours is your downfall.

Don't write shit that makes them think

Who gives a fuck about wat you can produce out of ink.

Just kiss me here, lay there, stand on the X ,

do as i say, wen i say, how i say it and still look better than

the rest.

Remember pretty girl if you stand next to me u must be the best .

Pretty girl i expect more from you

so shut up

and act like u have a clue.

.......sKy iS tHe LiMiT?......

Couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned bugged by annoying thoughts. I had a rather insightful talk with a nu friend tonite that left me thinking....have i been playing my cards rite lately? If you haven't taken the time to find out what exactly you expect from the opposite sex then today may be that day. She mentioned that in life men and women just see things differently. Doesn't mean that any vision is more correct than the other it just means their in different colors, languages, and text and just like spanish love songs...they don't translate well. Men look up and see the moon , women we say the craters. Things just arent preceived the same. I recently decided to splash around in the "dating" world. u kno get my feet wet and in return i kno i will be the typical chick who gets mad wen her hair gets wet. thats rite the dating game is a nasty game with no rules and play by play interaction that can get intense and sumtymes people splash! So im finding myself taking baby steps into this pool im approaching with a life vest and those ugly rubber floaties ur mom use to squeeze on your already sweaty arms. im possibly afraid to drown or get my hair wet but ive decided that ive missed the water and the way it feels. So my friend i ask this question before i let u go ..wen u look in the sky wat do u see? If your sight is full of simple visions such as just the moon and pitch black air then that may say something about your thoughts. Here's to hoping that i found sumthing without simple vision or thougts who wont let me drown. On second thought i may need you to throw me that ChAnEl life vest... just n case.

P.S. COMMENT MY SHIT! :)

....reArrAngiNg LoVe SOngS....

Obama said change

so i guess i should broaden my range

So heres a little piece to prove ive moved on

Now that ive got the courage to rearrange my love song

Cus all the sudden its become clear

Him findin better was always my fear

ANd now that im all healed up

im realizen his facen the impossible

So sir good luck to you

Glad i figured out everything u said i was isnt TRUE

No more acten crazy and acten out

Since we have a black president i"ll follow everyone else

and change wat im about

Quickly Dusting the residue off my heart

Looks like nu smiles have offered

me a fresh start

So as i attempt to step ova ya ego

im glad u finally decided to let me go

So many other things to be wraped up in

Looken at nu faces like "Damn baby boy were u been?"

I missed to many parties and thru away too many names

Now im written simple joys about how im thru wit ur games

Im singnin anotha love song

AND LA LA LA its all about how ur wrong

Its hard to explain how it feels to be free

I guess i should announce my engagement

to getting to kno me

Yes I kno u"ll miss the dimple in my cheek

The " I lOVE YoU" messages thru out ur week

It's okay to remember my kiss

It's only natural to find another lite skin chick try to replace this

Too bad its so hard for u to forget that its me u miss

Monica, Michelle, kochelle and Nikki

Minnie, Grande, Sade,and Vicki

All short term candidates but still no I

All great candidates that will eventually cry

Cus u kno u"ll remember

The way i use to lose it

ANd then try to explain

The priceless way your white tee

use to fit my frame

Good for a giggle

Use to kiss u and make u wiggle

Arm candy

Kept the white peralies handy

Good convo for your fam

Thats rite i claimed u as my man

Silly me now i save that title

That position remains idle

Although suddenly ive began to jock ole boys swag like static to ur sheet

Looks like i took out the chorus and found the *bAsS* to my beat.

COMMENT MY STUF!! please and thank u!:)

.....Did sumbody say change?...

"Although it may seem heaven sent .

We ain't ready to see a black president."

_Tupac Shakur_

i"ve been a way for awhile but for good reason! Ive been busy watchen my world as well as my country changing before my eyes. OBAMA said change and by god thats exactly wat we got! there is a WHOLE lot changing in my personal life but today i have chosen to ignore those changes and issues because I believe my generation has been blessed with the power that no other generation has had and for the first time i can say im proud of my classmates, family, and race. We finally did something that didnt concern money, clubs, music, or clothes. I guess im trying to say that i have been taking time to collect everything around me and attempt to construct the story i will tell to my children and grandchildren in the years to come. I jumped in my roommates car after the results of the election and began to speed to the club to celebrate the victory. Just like every other black young adult from the 18-28 we sung along with Yung jEezy "MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK, MY LAMBOS BLUE..." and for the first time in a long time i was proud to be black. It took one election , thousands of lives, hundreds of demonstrations, and a recession later for me to feel like there was finally a CHANGE.

i am leaving u with a poem by Darian Dauchan
he uses humor to say pretty much how we all feel!
do ur self a favor and enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6viAqJTyP7Y

OOO yea please comment my ISH ! thank you i am ms metcalf and i approve this message.

...sPeAk fOr mE...

I am not sure ive given you all the impression that my life is full of stress but..its not. lol i actually had a great week! every journey has its bumps but im glad to see another day. i was able to go see Trey Songz and Piles in concert this week at a club. I was happy to finally see Trey Songz outside of my dreams. lol i am guilty of lust wen it comes to him and so i became how do u say camera happy wen i was ten steps away from him...

after picking up my jaw and regaining my composure i was shocked to find out that Trey , i feel comfortable at this point since i was ten steps away from him to call him by his first name, was really grounded. I wouldnt say hood but i would say regular as hell. He used common folk words like "shit" "fuck" and "ass"frequently. lol His jeans were Levi and his shirt ed hardy. nice taste. a man after my own heart. i would have done sum antique jeans but hey dark denim levi will do. truth is i fell in love wit the dude even more after hearing that he can truly sing and his not sum manufactured good looking dude. two snaps to Trey Songz performance ...and his good looks!



i am not a Plies fan. wait i guess i should say i wasnt one before seeing him live. He was also grounded he used words such as "pussy" and "fuck" in every sentence thou! lol

but really he put on a nice show besides having more security than obama

he was conversational with the audience he kept jumping down into the crowd and letting people on stage which to me showed that he wasn't on that "i think i am better than u" tip. Huge love to Plies he has a nu fan and Trey well he can have a nu baby mama if thats wat his looken for! LOL although i did see the following picture of mediatakeout.com that was on sum his getten married rumor tip whcih im hopen isnt tru!!



anyway so i was graced with the superstar encounters and then i headed to the tattoo shop later in the week and got tatt #6 to fuel the "shes the crazy one" role i play in the family. :)

FYI every tatt i rock means sumthen to me and this one was no different. i opt not to get stupid stuf like stars , flowers, and hearts, and sum random dudes name who use to love me last summer type tattoos. this one was for my deceased first love and best friend. i got it in wat the tattoo man said was " THE WORST PLACE TO GET A TATT" .yes it hurt but they all do and the ironic thing was it was the one that hurt the least lol i guess mario soothed the pain or could have been that ive become immuned to that annoying feeling and sound of the tattoo gun? i am bein accused of being addicted but really its just the rush i get from knowing i am making a life changing decision. kinda like making a baby lol but not really. i kno people who've made babies and felt nothing but the alcohol during the act! lol n e way i feel like my tatts are a snap shot of were i was at during that time in my life.... i guess this one was just another picture to add to my album.


im rapping up the week remembering childhood memories for sum reason.

i called my dad today and ran thru memories of past halloweens and holidays.

i could hear in his voice how much he wished we were still the same little girls who loved Barbies instead of boys and were satisfied with collecting rocks and playing tag instead clubs and clothes. i think he is happy about who we"ve become thou and it was funny to hear that the same issues i have with men he had with women. i guess its in the genes! lol out of all the issues i have with my parents i can never say they didnt play their roles. i had a perfect childhood and wen it threatend to become imperfect i think i just ignored the imperfections.


anywho its always nice to take it back wit the folks but i was more excited to tell u guys about SISTA SOULJAH 's nu book due Nov 4,2008.

She finally is pickin up from were she left off! if u havent read the book the coldest winter ever u r truly depriving ur brain of entertainment and i can no longer associate myself with u! read it! Midnight was a charcter fuck it the character in the book that kept u guessing! its about tyme she followed up that book its been a good five years since i read the first book . for those of u who unaware of who exactly sista souljah is i got the following from her website to fill u in:

Sister Souljah, hip-hop generation best selling author, activist, recording artist, and film producer, is the most powerful and meaningful person speaking to youth and students today. Her intelligence is unselfish. She shines as she offers cultural, spiritual, political, economical, practical analysis and constructive solutions with the precision of a surgeon. Souljah’s words, thoughts, lessons, and books are transforming the next generation. Once you have heard her speak, it’s impossible for you to remain the same. You’ll change the way you think, love and live.

so now that ur filled in fill free to indluge cus she is truly my idol and brillant!

enuf about her i wanted to end this session with a little sharing. im in a sharing mood. the following is saying exactly how im feelen while im currently crawlin to move on with my life i can still say im pissed about even haven to go thru this situation. wen i asked my dad about it he told me "its part of life" i guess thats the nice way of sayen " baby girl we all get shitted on". i havent been in much of the "writing from the pissed of part of my heart" mood latley so wen that occurs its sumtymes its easier to let others words speak for u rather then u speaking for ur self. i am sharen poems by Dana Gilmore ( a classic throwback) and Kanye's bittersweet which will never get old cus its no lie how i feel word for word. i also added a link to Erykah Badu's friends, fans, artist. i am humbled at her talent so i am more than a fan its more like i am trying to mirror her steps in hopes of slipping on her path. i added her link cus... hell shes the shit and sumtymes u just need to smile:) her peice was worth the smile! extremely clever..very much my style. im beggen u to click the links and enjoy cus both r talented and sumhow are speaking the words that my heart is afraid to write rite now. so Dana and Kanye take us away:

Kanye:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1GtBpIORJY

Dana:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INF-Ou6oGW8

Erykah:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vdv4o0jSX4s

.......iTs a pRoCess...08.25.2008...MTL........

i am struggling.today i struggled. if ur looken for sumthing uplifting then im sorry. lol sum days are better than others but yet n still i always smile :). the root of my blues today comes from me coming to the realization that i must say this sentence without hesitation: i lost the love of my life July 25,2008 and i miss him. have u ever had sumone in your life that u assume will always be there? it is sad to say but i treated him as i treat my brown nike dunks set up high in my closet. i admire their good looks, take them down wen i need comfort and mobility, show them off to on lookers, walk tight curbs and high water situations in them, and then put them away until i feel tempted to show my knowledge of diverse style. he was my dunk. my classic edition. my collectable. i assumed he'd always be there and now...his not.i skipped the pretty font and colors because this situation to me is pretty black n white.







I laugh at his pics now like "My how my taste in men has grown" LOL his look, his swag, his heart, his creativity (that oddly matched mine),his walk, his laugh, his voice, the way he misspelled words in his text messages, his southern accent.... all one of a kind. no one has ever out done him even as he still walked the earth. its funny how u try to hold on to every memory and every picture, shirt, hat, and keep sake in order to keep that person fresh in ur brain.


I want one more day, one more hour, hell i"d take one more minute to apologize, sympathize, catch up , kiss, and kill all the ill feelings we had from stupid people and stupid situations. i texted the mother of his child today his baby boy was on my brain heavy....






... i texted in hopes to find sumone who felt as i do. i kno her hurt is deeper but the truth is we shared him and now neither of us have anything left to share. its funny how tragedy will bring two people from two worlds from two totally different regions together. we couldnt be more different but now we've bceome just the same............. in a way she doesnt kno it but i feel she's the lucky one. she got to spend his last days with him and i...well i guess i had the better days but id give my left arm to be there on the last day i don't kno y i feel like i missed out on something but i do.




i believe i clung on to other unhealthy relationships and situations for fear that if i didn't keep that negative person around i may lose them also and find myself having the same regrets that i have with Mario. i am learning to accept the fact that the world has lost a good man and i have lost part of my heart.
i can not hold on to bad situations out of fear of regret. i ask myself should i have walked down that aisle in may and moved into that house in the hills of Cuthbert, Georgia wen i had the chance? then maybe i wouldn't feel like i do now.

i am in the process of rediscovering LOVE and i feel restricted. how do i learn to let love wen i still deny the fact that his 229 number is disconnected? LOL i laugh at myself a lot these days. life became complicated wen he left and i believe thats wen i began to laugh harder. i laugh to cover up the fact that hearts are broke, people are left behind, and sum situations remain unresolved.

i got his belongings from his family in the mail the other day. and ur rite...i lost it. tears over came my face and the smell of his hair in his hat made my stomach turn. suddenly memories of his laugh, his warm lips, and the way he use to sing my name in the drivers seat of his white crown vick over came my self control. why do i do this to myself? better yet why tell this story? it is because i kno i am not the only one to feel the way i do. i kno there is sumone sumwhere who has lost a part of their heart and struggles with it everyday. i have two words for you as you r reading this ....let go. They are gone, we are here, it is the past, and we must live for the present. Prayer is powerful and my God picks me up out of bed everyday and doesnt allow me to sit in this grief state of mind like i use to. Biblicial? yes. Tru? very.

i think a lot of people around me like to think that if they ignore that i am struggling then maybe i"ll magically over come with time. to me that seems like a fucked up remedy to give to sumone who can't swallow the pill of death. thats like shoving tons of candy n food down a diabetics throat and hoping they can run a mile the next day.ignoring an issue doesn't make it go away. but really i am over the stage of needing a crowd to over see me going thru an issue. i've been thru so much thru out my life i should be able to handle this....rite? There are a lot of people who have been unable to help me thru my situation for fear that they aren't going to be able to say the rite words or they may say the wrong ones but the realization of that is the following: when ur left with the absence of a love ones words sumtimes any words will do.

...miNd iF i Out LiVe u?....

i stuffed my face at ashton kutchers nu restaurant Ketchup the other day while visiting memories of THE HILL in aLabAmA.








my verdict...nice decor, okay desert, aight food... survey says...I"ll pass! Ashton may make us chuckle but he doesnt make us want shut up and eat up! lunch with a valued friend was well worth the flys and over whelming Delta and Kappa colors sprayed everywhere!! i love red just as much as the next but the diner effect wasn't for my taste.

enuf about my weekend! today was a better day! i was happy to find out that i"ll be joining the likes of ms.jazmine sullivan and trey songz tomorrow nite!!! im super geeked theres nuthen like good music and that smile on trey songz. speaking of good music if u haven't picked up the nu Jazmine Sullivan cd i highly recommend her cd as well has the download of the nu R Kelly song TOUCH and the Bobby Valentino feat Young Jock "beat"! For the older ears the nu John Legend "Green Light" should keep ur ears yung n amused. All are guaranteed to feed the drought of good music that we"re experiencing! LOL

so i haven't got much relevant to say today. ive noticed that i've been on this self analyzing tip lately. my parents tell me that the faze of finding out who u are, wat u like, wat u hate, and wat u believe in is part of the reason im in college. neither of them attended school for all 4 years .. i wonder wen they found out just who they were?


so yesterday i realized im looking at my reflection


and sumtymes things look beautiful..but there not. and today ive realized i think im okay wit a distorted view. shit if everything was what it seemed there would have never been a 9/11, katrina, slavery, or segregation..ya feel me? i think im a distorted scratch n sniff figure me out as u go excessively facially expressed type chick. no wonder i like guys who tend to look like this...


LOL its like im off beat therefore i like the "weirdo" in the room. maybe he will entertain everyone else so they may not notice me. lol mommy n daddy haven't approved of anyone
since.... well never. not sure who they would rather see me with
but i kno its not the dude in the pic above! lol


anyway heres one of my FAV pieces ... i m dying to read it at an open mic just cus it moves me that much!
here's a little self realization piece folks! try it sumtyme! analyze ur world, who u are in it, how those around u react to u, were u'd rather be versus where u are, how u feel wen u breath the air that suffocates ur thoughts and consider all the advice u've been given and ho valuable those ignored words really were and weren't. r u living to the fullest? r u recognizing who u"ve become? a trip huh? too deep for u? LOL welcome to my thoughts.




Out live you

Wen they ask wat is ur life?
I say it is toll booth imagination.
Loving without hesitation.
loving the bad guy because he smiles good.
doing the exact opposite of what u would.
over eating, over spedning, over living cus my folks say i won't be here again.
so i walk in nigerian dry land.
with stars of hope in my hand.
and cross seven seas that dare to drown me.
and bargain with white faces that would rather down me.
just to say that ive lived to see all pupils can hold.
cus my soul has long been sold.
cus see ive been corrupted by jeans, rags, and money.
TRUE LIFE: i have ambitions of bein a video honey.
i. am...... the. hip hop.generation.
i am ur society's creation.
and thou its not easy to do
i wana out live u.
so i sit in a box made of air.
and pretend im not there.
wonder off to foreign lands and tip toe in exclusive joints.
and explore breaking points.
it is the freedom of knowing i am made of black pearl.
and that each day im bein recognized as the women
and not the girl.....
to breath easy like T.I.
i wana be like Nelly F and fly
this is life to the extreme.
im just tryna live my DrEaM.
and be who ive crawled to become.
and who i"ve scratched to create.
just to say ive out lived segregation's fate.

......bEaUtIfUllY BroKeN.......

Today wasn't a good day. have u ever come to the realization that everything u are, everything u stress, cry over, worry about, pray on, are things that u"ve brought into your own life. u"ve let in people who have trashed everything in sight, joined things that have destroyed ur self esteem, and put up with situations that have tainted who u are from this point on..... today was that kinda day...... i wanted the sex n the city dvd set and starbucks so bad but instead i used the george foreman grill to cook a meal that wasn't half as good as mommy's food but i pretended it was made by her and even closed my eyes hoping to smell ChANEL number five sum were in the room... the older i get the more i realize that i"ve blamed others for who i am today wen really it is my fault that i am "beautifully broken".being 22 is harder than it looks. rite now im in route to not find but run into sumone who isn't interested in my abilities in the bedroom or my clothes in the club but in things that last. Sex ends, clothes fade away, hair falls out, bodies get bigger and older, and in the end it has nothing to do with who i am. theres a happy medium in showing interest and suffocating ...sum are having a hard time finding the middle latley n thats a turn off in its self. finding sumone who can keep their hands to themselves even if they see an opportunity to go in for the kill is harder than i thought. i kno i kno 20-26 year old boys/men cus sum aren't men, and i kno sumone who will admit that his not a man yet , are suppose to be "just having fun" but wat happen to having the buddy and then the bootie? i guess wat im saying is i don't like wat ive created wen i look in the mirror sum days and i don't like ALL that im finding wen im running into ppl who wana share the space in my mirror. sure i've run into sum proper candidates who will remain nameless but even in those cases patience is key and i don't always see the patience game being practiced or respected. and so it makes me wonder...do we really need sumone to share the mirror with us? sumtymes our mirrors r so foggy, cracked, and distorted that we may not have enuf room in the mirror for anyone else. maybe i've been avoiding seeing my own reflection.

i read the following in room full of three people inside a typical college apartment. u kno the spot with no living room furniture with over size tv's and beds but little to no kitchen tables or framed photos. well it was there that i spilled my heart and told my story and explained why i have days like this and realizations that sumtymes hurt my pride and my heart. i later got the title of this piece tattooed on me because it embodied who i was in so many ways. it was were i was at, how i was feeling, and were i am still at a year later. i guess its more on the tip of all that glitters isn't gold. including me.

Beautifully BrOKeN

She simply gives perfect kisses.
That were once their wishes.
And frequently as they embrace
invisible tears fall down her face.
Cus she knows that soon she"ll return to being beautiful and A L O N E.
But still she"ll sit eloquently on her thrown yet n still
She finds it hard to deny that it isn't hard for a tear to find her
beautiful eye.
Thur it all she still wears her beautiful smile
cus she's accepted beautifully broken is now her style.
She is beautifully broken
Bystanders love to see Americas Token
unhappy and stuck
Caramel kissed wild child is usually beautifully out of luck.
Cus she often beautifully sits in confusion
Wishing her hard times were a delusion
A child of the night
Possibly because thats wen her insecurities are out of sight.
They've crushed her beautiful heart shreds
Csu they pictured her body in their beds
Between the lights went dem
their sheets only covered them
She is beautifully broken but yet
her boundaries aren't unspoken
She hides behind her beautiful smile
And seeks refuge in her skin for a while
Beautiful girl constantly under construction
Stumbling to function
But others have no clue
That the beautiful story they paint of her is untrue
Poor beautiful skin that she's trapped within
Beautiful like a mural from afar
She is a crowded rooms star
Demanding attention unknowingly
She says they fall in love without knowing me
She is beautifully broken
And no eloquent words can correct
the reasons she is who she is this beautiful day
But it is your actions that helped her break this way
Empty like a puzzle with missing pieces
She is your skins creases
Cus she's everywhere and you can't help but to stare
At the beautiful girl in the beautiful world
that's missing so much but is beautifully out of touch.

to be continued........

.....sHUT uP and LIStEN:IM NOT BLACK ENUF....

the word for today is...SHUT UP. We witnessed tonite what not shutting up did to Danity Kane's Aubrey. The poor blonde head blended voice got kicked out the group wen we all kno u don't challenge Diddy's bossy dectating ass! Sing, dance, get paid, go home.Honestly, I have come to learn shutting up can do more than speaking. so ive cut off contact with most the outside world in an attempt to shut up and listen to wats going on in my life and head.

so u ask wat have i heard so far? well..... ive heard the voices of black people asking me to shut up. they are tired of me defending half of me. i am suppose to sit down in a crowded room and be okay with my classmates saying such things as. " Mexicans take all the jobs!" or "They always ride twenty deep in neons." I am suppose to laugh, smile, nod, and agree because my skin tone is the same as the full black yung lady who sits next to me. Looks are deceiving people and so i am not okay with not defending half of who i am. I am not okay with accepting that i have to check a box that doesn't help me identify what race i am and i am not okay with people wanting me to conform so they can put me into their box and classify me as they see fit. ITS NOT OKAY. im letting u now that u dont have a TELL A FREE RACE JOKE CARD regarding mexicans cus we"re "COOL" . respect me , respect my mother, respect my grandmother, and stop pushing me to be wat u r...cus im not. This is not to say that i don't identify with being half black but it is unfair to think that that is all i identify with. LET ME BE ME. and respect who i am. no im not puerto rican , my mother isn't INDIAN ( u ignorant fool) and i am not from spain which means im not spanish.

• I don't speak my native toungue.
• I can't cook every mexican dish.
• I have yet to visit mexico but i live on the south side of Phoenix in the winter months so that's close enuf for me.
• I have curly hair that i choose not to perm but that doesn't mean I have "good hair".
• I don't live 20 to a house and neither do any of my family members.
• My butt is wide not big and yes i have hips for days.
• I eat menudo on sundays and no im not Catholic im Baptist.
• I have a cousin who does tattoos and fixes cars and yes ...we will ALL beat you up.
• We are legal and if we aren't y is it ur business?
• I speak spanglish ( a mix of broken spanish and english) to family only.
• And no i will not speak to u in spanish so that u may get turned on or feel like u"ve found sumthing exotic!

i am not mad... just fed up! this has been a struggle that ive interacted with my entire life and now that i am an adult it is time to let you and every one reading this kno that im not changing who i am to make u feel like im more black or more mexican. i am both. and i like it...........

okay so i heard the voices telling me to conform and now im ignoring them. voices lol wow i sound crazy but work with me. i also heard who i use to be the girl who use to be me before i became broken. the one who would never deal with hang ups, break ups, cheating, lying, or name calling and i recognized her voice. i asked her to come back but i think she's mad at me because i've ignored her for so long. she and my confidence have been haven conversations lately or should i say screaming matches i see its gona be a task to get me back to were i use to be. i decided to write a letter in an attempt to get things back rite. although this letter was written a few months ago i decided to fed ex it signed, sealed, and delivered to someone that i no longer kno anymore......here goes nuthen......

First off I'd like to apologize. I never loved you enough. I always accused you of never caring but you just love tuff. I put others before you and convinced you of things that weren't true.It's been so long since we've seen eye to eye. No wonder the day came that you decided to make me cry. You"ve been around for so long. You and I even have our own song.And now your like a stranger I couldn't identify you if i tried. And thats why all week i've cried. How did we loose everything we worked so hard for? how was it that easy to walk out the door? You keep me going everyday. And lately haven't had much to say. But its not all your fault i often ignore you cus im afraid to adore you.So i ignored wen you spoke to me. And now i'd give anything to get us back to the state we use to be.On the same page , we always saw eye to eye. I loved you more than any guy. But wats the point in reminiscing? Cus now ur missing. Causing me pain in my chest. You won't let me rest. You beat yet I still can't feel. Not believing that wat we"re enduring is real. You make me feel sick and stuck to the sheets. Suddenly we"re addicted to breakup beats.I know you deserve better. That's why "heart" im writing you this letter. To say sorry for letting him do this to us. I apologize for disobeying your trust. But piece of me that I now hold so dear. I promise to protect you from that "LOVE" thing that we both now fear.

My sincerest Apologizes,

Ms. Metcalf

It's funny wat u"ll realize wen u just SHUT UP. i realized i had been ignoring my heart, pride, and esteem and now i realize my letter isn't enuf to get things back rite inside. i"ve started to listen to my insides and ignore others opinions about my outsides and now i feel better. apologizes have been said and respect has been demanded....in the words of ....Ice Cube

" Today was a good day".

....oBaMa bIDeN ....fInD uR rEaSoN.....

" although it may be heaven sent,

we ain't ready to see a black president."

tUpAc ShAkUr

LIVE TO SEE THIS AGAIN?

GO TO JAIL FOR THIS?

HEAR THIS EXCUSE AGAIN?

need more reasons to vote?

the movement regarding Obama is plan motivational. to see so many people who barley nu the names of the last two presidents now care about who is the next president makes me feel happy to part of a generation is is slowly considering change. while studying for a pointless geogrpahy test i recieved a text with the words " BLACK PEOPLE....VOTE or SHUT UP" . strait to the point but yet so powerful. my fear is that many who show up to the polls are like me... meaning they are voting for OBAMA because his black. it takes a lot to admit that ur simply voting for sumone because you want the country to finally not have a one sided point of view but yet you don't even know the views of the person you want to win the election! I've decided to stop my ignorant thoughts and help u and I find sum merit to voting for Obama. i decided to do sum research u kno click on a few links yahoo search a few obama sites and found that his own site broke down his veiws on everything from health care to education. being that im a college student with one more year to go i decided to check on issues that effected my family and i i.e. education, women, and immigrants becuse yes i am half mexican and i do care about wat happens to 50% of who i am. after making a few clicks i decided to share wat i found:

hIgHer EduCatioN:

Create the American Opportunity Tax Credit: Obama and Biden will make college affordable for all Americans by creating a new American Opportunity Tax Credit. This universal and fully refundable credit will ensure that the first $4,000 of a college education is completely free for most Americans, and will cover two-thirds the cost of tuition at the average public college or university and make community college tuition completely free for most students. Recipients of the credit will be required to conduct 100 hours of community service.

Simplify the Application Process for Financial Aid: Obama and Biden will streamline the financial aid process by eliminating the current federal financial aid application and enabling families to apply simply by checking a box on their tax form, authorizing their tax information to be used, and eliminating the need for a separate application
(OMG no more long ass FASFA applications? IM DOWN!)


Work with Mexico:

Obama and Biden believe we need to do more to promote economic development in Mexico to decrease illegal immigration.
( *the puzzled broken hearted scholar scratches her head*:
"hmmmm great but how?" lol)

Empowering Women to Prevent HIV/AIDS:

In the United States, the percentage of women diagnosed with AIDS has quadrupled over the last twenty years. Today, women account for more than one quarter of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses. Women of color are especially hard hit: In 2004, HIV infection was the leading cause of death for African-American women between the ages of 25 and 34. Around the world, 7,000 women are infected with HIV every day. Barack Obama has been a leader in the global fight against AIDS. He introduced the Microbicide Development Act, which will accelerate the development of products that empower women in the battle against AIDS. Microbicides are a class of products currently under development that women apply topically to prevent transmission of HIV and other infections.

( so u mean we can rub sumthin on ourselves to prevent HIV? wat is taking them so long!!!! ima need them to put this stuf in every college campus bookstore and WalMart tonite!)

i posted my comments n feedback not to turn my blog into an educational political breakdown but to urge u to stop playen the "cus his black" card and find a legit reason to tell those who aren't minorities why u r voting for the man that they would rather see working at the corner store then runnning their country.

www.barackobama.com

.....lEts hEar iT foR tHe rEgULaR girls.....

"What's your name love, where you came from?

Neck and wrist blazed up, very little make-up"

mOs DEf

ok so i kno with the election, the recession, sarah palin's daughter bein knocked up, and the deadlines for voter registration approaching there are valid things in this world to be worried about! but in the words of jay-z "fuck talken bout the recession the shits depressin" . not to ignore my countries struggles or anything but a chick needs a little brain dead entertainment to escape the reality that our shit is goin down in flames much like the bulidings that we've bombed in Iraq...very ironic that we burn down their buildings n homes as they run for cover and now we've burned a whole in our pockets and economy and now we"re the ones runnin for cover! anywho back to the brain dead action... if ur not up on mediatakeout.com crawl up from under that rock that u've been sleeping under and get informed about the he said, she said, we heard, she wore, he dates, information of 2008! sure the information is close to worthless since we don't kno the celebrities they speak of but isn't it always self assuring to see sumone elses fucked up life rather then just sit back and edit ur own? so y not sit back, relax, and pick those voluntarily famous people apart! LOL i do just that everyday and i may frequently comment on sum of the stories cus sum of my opinions on sum of the stories i see are impossible to keep in. like this one:

COULD SUPERHEAD BE PREGNANT BY BOW WOW?

ok look WTF at the age of 30 if ur a female anyone with the name bow wow isn't exactly the pick of your liter. or is it?Why why why ? im down for dating younger or going older do wat u do but this match up disturbed me! i am bothered that bow wow would have possibly tried to wife the women who has basically been the baseball mit of hip hop male artist for the past 10 yrs!


ok so now that i've got all my haterism out i do want to comment on something that pretty much made my day! i was happy to scroll down and see that Lloyd has been involved with the same girl for the past two years ( i guess real love does exist in young black america)




need less to say she looks rather..... normal. I was happy to see my fellow GA representative kept it real and got him self a regular ole looken chick! LETS HEAR FOR ALL THE REGULAR GIRLS!!!!! lol and wen i say regular girls i mean the ...

• i go to school
• i work
• i rock weave or the real thang dependin on my mood
• i don't drive a mercedes
• i look approachable
• i eat at Magiano's but i love TGI Fridays
• i shop at the local mall instead of the local boutique
• i have ok credit
• i over eat if i want n don't worry about a lil extra bein stuffed in the jeans
• forever 21 frequent shopper
• i kno the value of education, beauty, and self respect
• i grocery shop at Krogers and Walmart
• pay my own bills
• get excited wen u find designer bags at Marshall's....

type of chicks! Were u at regular girls? LOL fellas stop goin hollywood cus it is us regular girls who hold u down wen they decide they want the next T.I. or local "he got it all celebrity".

On a more relevant note the vice presidential debates are on tonite and i can't seem to find interest in a debate full of lies and accusations. hell i kno someone i can call RITE NOW if i wana hear that type of conversation.

MeSSages wRaPeD in sAtIn shEEts

"I shouldn't play myself again,I should just be my own best friend,Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men." Amy WineHouse

So i roll over in my bed last nite annoyed by my satin sheets to find sum random text from an unnamed source telling me that "i" am not who i think i am. i am every name in the book and instead of convincing myself i am a respectable women with morals, goals, and standards i need to accept the fact that since i refuse to put up with bullshit and play childish games that i am a dumb bitch. LOL LOL LOL LOL its funny how people use defense mechanisms to break u down and build themselves up. Yes ppl this is another love piece but obviously this is wat is corrupting my life at this current time. ever period of our lives we r poisioned with nu issues today..this is my poision. so allow me to vent i swear my rampage is almost over. lol anywho if u ask me, although u may disagree, MEN are the craziest creatures because u train them, feed them, and house break their asses and as soon as you try to discipline them they run away to a nu family! Maybe dawgs are just " a man's best friend" lol I decided to take the message as a translation of hurt feelings and too much time on the individuals hands. I responded with a message from the heart and i hope that sumwere along the way of life that person realizes beating me down won't make them any happier. wen i attempted to give them the world they simply wanted an island...that isn't my fault. Today's life lesson: don't offer the world to sumone who's afraid to fly.

Temporarily Out of Service...tHe cOnVerSatIOn...

" jUst bEcAuSe i LoVe u N u LovE mE DoeSn'T mEAn wE"rE mEAnT 2 bE"

Jazmine Sullivan

I AM EXHAUSTED.I have participated in the fucked up back n forth cha cha slide with the same heart that no longer holds me as its first priority or even as an option. I've been playing fetch with a brick wall...... Confused? OKay let's put it this way I am in love with someone who is in love with themselves which feels more like talking to myself in a black mirror...there is no response or equal reflection of in put, love, or effort. My head began to throb, my heart sank into its usual spot which is in my bladder ( mind u its been familair with that spot for the past year n a half), and my sotmach ached from the stress of knowing that the arguement that I had been having since last October was finally coming to an end. The curtains began to close on the All mY Children drama that we both headlined, co produced, and wrote, and now the reality of me ignoring my self worth, esteem, and needs has finally hit me a day later. Yes folks this piece is a relationship piece but more a reality piece to me. I wrote this for anyone who struggles with loving someone...........your not alone.............. My advice is chose to end the battle while you still are able to stand. If your gut is feeling like you've lost the battle of your opponents heart then your probably right. Give up the breath to breath resisatation, throw away the heart monitors, and revival plots and collect the pieces of who you are. As the last arguements of all agruements came to an end I realized EVERYONE has fights and most couples from the ages of 16-30 have arguements that go a little bit like this....

It's like clock work every week you fight.
Mind you this is the same dude u use to text "i LoVE yOu" at all times of the night.


You usually have deja vu cus u swear u've seen this scene before.
Lovin him went from bein painless to leaven u bruised n sore.


You text "i LOVE you" and get an "i LUV u 2"
You say "i miss u" and get back " were are you?"


You use to get " i love you" just because on wednesday nights.
Now your cell phone bill is full of arguments and fights.


He calls and hangs up.
You text sumthin mean and corrupt.


Dial tones follow drawn out
" I hate you's"which really means that you love him but u can't figure it out so instead you find worthless shit to bitch about.


After one call back he finally picks up and you scream about sum chick from the past.
Hopen that you bein on the fone means him n her didn't last.


Suddenly your suffocated by a lump in your throat cus the thought of him kissen another girl makes you wana choke.
Usually you'd surcome to the tears but today you easily scream out your fears.


You chose to say sumthin about you bein better than sHe and in return he mentions sumthin about a random "he"
Knowen damn well you've never left his side but the thoughtof him bein the only one doin dirt hurts his pride.

So you ask "why would i give away something that i consider still yours"and the far fetched comment makes you begin to slam doors.


The fone seems to get hot but damn..is that just your face?
All you can think about is the possiblity of given up this race.


Spouts of silence follow idle coughs and random comments to anyone who walks thru the door.
Suddenly his Mr. Attraction of the House..... which pisses you off even more.


Hello, Hello, you could possibly loose this battle so you begin to remind him how far you've come and how everyone said by now you'd be done.
You admit that sumtimes your irrational, crazy, and irrate but say forget all that the topic of "us" is now a debate.


Bein that his sick of the accusations he begins to grow angry and halflistens to every other word you say.
But instead of fixen the situation he apologizes "for you feelen this way".


He threatens to hangup reminden you that he cares but his always been bad with the whole emotions thing and adds that thisargument is the reason he avoids the whole "realtionship thing".


You beg for his atttention and feedback and suddenly he yawns n mentions sumthin about practice and hitten the sack.


Tears of anger hit a burning cheeck that he use to kiss.
You reach to wipe them away and you miss.


As the woman of plenty words you choose to bow out and to press end but not before you use every cuss word you kno and threaten to let him go.


You throw the fone under your pillow and begin textingur friend the words.."This is it! His no longer mine."
Knowin damn well this isn't the last time.



Drowning in anger but yet bein ignored by the faded object of your affection.
You turn off CNN, who gives a fuck about the election!


The same name that has evolved from My bAyBee, mY hEaRt, to"don"t answer", and "don't give in" now just reads...him.


The name that once gave you butterflies now makesyou feel doubt within.
You've ran up your minutes, exhausted all your text, so you log onto Firefox and just then you see "him" in the inbox.


Just wen you thought hangen up meant you won.
You've realized the real arguement has barely just begun.